It's The Choices That We Choose

i wrote a LOT

2005-03-29 - 12:13 a.m.

So i have a new job, as a web marketing assistant. I think this will really help me out in the future with jobs. For now, i will only be working around 13-15 hours a week (during the week) in the office and maybe a few hours at home on the weekend. I will also be working at kpbs 20 hours (offically 20 but really 15). And i will be going to school full time.

Tomorrow i need to start working on some papers, because i definitely won't have time to do them once this new job starts. I will be starting it on april 4th.

I wish i could get some congratulations. Its a pretty awesome job, and most of the stuff that has made me qualified for it, is because of things i do in my free time.

rachel will be gone tomorrow morning. I can't wait. not to be mean, wait no i dont care, but this has put more stress on me than necessary. once she is gone, this will be over. hopefully.

i need to talk to mike about how when im upset i like to talk to him, opposed to him, who likes to just avoid everyone.

ive been super emotional the past few weeks. mike has even noticed, although, i have had this shitty situation going on, and the car thing and the job thing.

i think after this week im definitely going to get the new form of birth control instead of being cheap, because ive been so fucking irrational and maybe it will help, as the doctor said it will.

i know im not perfect, i hope no one expects that of me, especially all the time, but i guess i can try. But its just so overwhelming when someone expects perfection.

like me being upset today, i admit it went a little bit irrational (at first) and i did do things that really annoy mike, but he has to give me a break, and try to help me figure out whats wrong. he can't just stop talking to me, giving me space. it shouldnt work that way, at least for me. i adjusted to the way he wanted me to treat him when he got upset, so he needs to adjust to treating me the way i want to be treated when im upset. he can't expect me to always be happy, he can't expect me to never be irrational, to be overly emotional sometimes, to keep a level head at all times.

i know i get jealous a lot, and its looked down on, even by him, which is just because of society, but thats another lesson from my soc class. but, i get jealous because yes i want to protect the relationship and i never really feel secure enough to get through it.

if i think about it right now, he did attempt to make me feel secure this weekend. he told me i was cute or whatever several times, and hugged me and held my hands, etc. and, maybe im thinking he is smarter than he is, but that IS how i told him to treat me so i wouldnt get jealous. maybe he learned, maybe he was just lucky this time in being right. who knows.

this past week i have just been in this dark tunnel without a sign of light. its been really weird. had weird thoughts like i did in high school. maybe its the emotions gone haywired. maybe not.

i need to get out of it, but i never really wanted to, i didnt have that drive. i saw no point in trying to get out of the mood, because i knew the situation wouldn't pass for that time, and i had no control of the situation that was upsetting me. this made me more upset, less apt to having any drive to change my outlook on life.

there are a lot of things i need to work on about myself, so please give me a break every once in awhile. i always feel like i never get it. maybe its me not allowing myself to have it, maybe its also in addition no one else letting me get it, for some weird reason.

i know mike is doing something tonight that i think is totally stupid. but molly made a good point about it, he feels he has to entertain his guest, she IS an alcoholic basically, so going to bar's etc. is probably the best form of entertainment for her.

i wonder what is the best form of entertainment for mike. he has a lot of fun doing things like mini golf, playing poker, watching movies, watching basketball. I assume he likes going to parties and bar's because why else would he do it? maybe because the only friends he has do that. maybe because thats what society is telling him to do. i wonder if he feels unfullfilled when he doesnt go to bars, or that im not entertained by that stuff. maybe he just wants a seperate thing to do without me, and thats a safe bet, doing something i really dont like, for example going to a club in rosarito.

i remember him saying he doesnt really like parties, but then he does sometimes too i think. i dont know.

i wonder if he is really one i want to even invest my time in right now.

we had some lame talk about how he never wants to get married last week and it has made me questioned a lot of things. it made me look at him as never wanting to grow up. will he ever grow up? he doesnt want kids, which makes sense to me, in certain ways.

i would like to get married someday, no question about that. but kids have always been an undecided thing. you have such a chance of fucking a kid up, but what if its just a chance to put someone great in the world that could make a difference in people who suck lives. i dont know. i just always figured it was bound to happen at some point.

but, i definitely want to get married someday. im not really into the whole wedding thing, i really dont like that whole deal. but i do want have that deep of a relationship, one where you feel waaaaay more committed and waaaaay more secure. i just really want to feel secure in my relationship someday. i never do, and never have. i always am thinking they are going to break up with me soon, if i do one thing wrong im risking everything. thats why i feel like such shit when i make a rift in things, even if i was justified to do it.

i am only 20, almost 21 i suppose, so i shouldnt have to worry about it too much. but i do want to get married by 25, and i would like to be together with the person for at least 3 yrs before being engaged, and i would like to be engaged for at least a year. so gotta start soon right? i dont know. i feel like a character in bridget jones or something right now.

my mom had my sister at 21. weird.

maybe i will get married someday and just have puppies. you dont have to pay for them to go to college. hah.

i put more stuff on ebay. i have a lot more to put on it, but i dont feel like doing it right now.

im hoping mike will come over after he drops rachel off at the airport. my house is on the way back. maybe he will come over after work. maybe he wont come at all. maybe on wednesday morning we can hang out.

im feeling better now, but wont feel all the way better until i can talk with mike about this and he can make me smile again. and things will be back to normal and that girl will be gone. i like calling her that girl, rather than her name. im such an ass.

thanks again molly (if youre still reading) for helping me feel better today and making me feel more rational about everything.

i really want to get out of this emo mode soon. hah. im feeling better now. i wrote a LOT.

upsides and downsides - 2005-04-05

the rest of the weekend - 2005-04-04

family weekend sorta - 2005-04-02

long long long - 2005-03-31

falling into place. - 2005-03-29

last - next

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