It's The Choices That We Choose

the moral of the story

2005-04-22 - 2:25 p.m.

im in a bad mood.

when do i ever get a break? geez. its been non-stop always with something to do recently. Even if i do get like an evening break, im constantly feeling guilty or stressed about what im not doing, as in what i am supposed to be doing. so really, is that a real break? maybe.

i havent had time to exercise. i havent had a home cooked meal in at least a week. really, i dont remember the last time i ate at home. well, maybe when mike and i made porkchops, but i think that was sunday. i dont know, everything is just blurring together.

whenever i see mike, im usually all stressed, and or we are sleeping.

last night he really annoyed me. he went out with his friend erin to a bar near my place. just them 2. how cute, what a nice little date. yeah, annoyed as shit about that. and he comes back at 2:30am. What the fuck were you doing with her for like 4 or so hours, at a fucking bar. and he didnt seem drunk when he got in at least, but he smelled like alcohol, and so did my room. he fell right to sleep at least, so he didnt interrupt my sleep too badly.

i had a headache all day yesterday, unless i drank mass amounts of caffiene. but i havent had one today, thank goodness.

i also didnt have lunch today. during the 10 mins i usually have time to buy and eat my lunch, i was getting my paycheck. thankfully, i made more than i thought i would. that is for the kpbs job. for the other job, i made a lot less than i thought i would. i forgot that with this new job i get federal AND state taxes taken out. With the kpbs one, i dont get state taxes out, since im technically working for the state.

anyway, i was really annoyed with mike last night for hanging out with that girl. and i try to rationalize about how he needs friends, and its good he is hanging out with them, but why ALWAYS a bar, and ALWAYS with a fucking girl. im really over it right now. and he tries to tell me i have no RIGHT to be mad. are you controlling my rights now? what the fuck? i have a right to my own feelings so fuck off. they might not be rational or you may not think they are credible, but i have a fucking right to them. grr. i dont think he means it that way, but i think it that way.

im all pms like right now too. and im overworked and overtired.

my weekend consits of:
Friday night: finishing at LEAST half of my california history paper.
Saturday: Judo @ 1, basketball game till mike goes to work @4, then finishing the rest of my california history paper, and hopefully having time to hang out with molly.
Sunday: Work for 4 hours, do laundry, maybe clean the kitchen, and study my ass off for my sociology midterm on thursday.

Sadly, to me, these seem like unrealistic goals for me, but im really trying to make them a reality.

i am dissapointed a lot because i wanted to watch six feet under and hotel rwanda with mike this wknd, but i dont think i have time for it. and now im all mad thinking he is going to hang out with erin again. it seems to fucking sketchy and shady to me. it really annoys me. i think she is kinda ugly though, sadly. like not ugly, but looks really weird. i could see how some may think she is hot, but she has a big head or something.

whatever, just VERY annoyed with them. plus she is the stupid bitch that let mike drive home wasted off his ass. fuck her.

im just trying to vent right now, so i can get out of this fucking mood. i cant take having to do something responsible every fucking minute of every fucking day.

after thursday, i will have nothing big though until finals, which are coming up pretty quickly.

i hope to GOD i dont have to go to summer school. i saw an advisor yesterday and if the gliche that is going on right now with my degree audit report continues i only have 10 classes left, otherwise i have 13-14, where i would have to take summer school. so i have to talk to the head advisor on tuesday, and figure the crap out. and hopefully she will allow for me to keep how my degree audit is. otherwise i will not be happy. oh well.

so i called mike when i got off from my FIRST job of the day, just to talk. and he was watching some movie and didnt want to talk. understandable, whatever. but i was already annoyed with last night, and i just wanted to talk to him to get out of that mood. but he perpetuated the bad mood even more by being a jerk. he was like can i call you back? so i had to say, well how about NO, cuz this is the only time i can talk to you, because i have class and then work, and then youll be at work, so yeah fuck off. and that just really made me even more annoyed because it reminded me how stressed out i am and how inconsiderate he is, because shouldnt he want to talk to me, and shut off his movie for 5 mins, because its the only time i can talk to him. but thats being stupid. whatever.

fuck off is my new phrase.

and i just am all like being stupid wanting to ask if he is going to go hang out with asian whore again. she isnt a whore, and im not even sure she is asian, she might be philipino, but thats her new name as far as im concerned.

whatever, its really annoying and really frusterating on top of me already being stressed out and on pms. and moral of the story, i REALLY dont want to be at work right now and i hate the asian whore.

what was i thinking? - 2005-04-25

birthday blues - 2005-04-24

documented - 2005-04-24

lost and found - 2005-04-23

double - 2005-04-22

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