It's The Choices That We Choose

man and wife

2005-06-14 - 9:35 p.m.

ive been thinking about something recently. about how when mike was living here, i would go to bed early, and he would stay up and go to the other room and play video games. i was living the life of a drone, working 50 hours a week, getting up at 630am and not getting home until 12 hours or more later.

before he "lived" here, i would constantly entertain him. If he was still not tired when i was, he would watch a movie in the room with me. it got on my nerves a lot, especially when i really needed sleep.

i am not sure if i like this way of things. i am not sure if he likes this way of things. by the end of the 2 weeks of this constant schedule, i felt really bad for working so much, as in how it was affecting our relationship. i felt bad that i was turning into this drone, and when i got home i was really tired, and just wanted to eat, chill out and then go to bed early. it seemed very unfair to mike, who was doing nothing all day, it seemed. well he was doing stuff, but during those 2 weeks he was hardly working at all. and i just felt like a jerk.

he never said anything about it. But one morning i did write him a note. i wrote it on a post-it and put it on the bathroom mirror. i said "im sorry i work so much, i love you."

i need to live my life right now, and do what i need to do regarding my job and stuff, so i can get my life in order as soon as possible. and some say whats the rush, but i have freaking loans to pay back soon, on top of my car loan, my new rent, my life, etc. life will be more expensive once i graduate. i am going to have to get a good enough job where i will get benefits and such, since im cut off from my parents 6 months after or earlier once i graduate. a lot of stress going my way.

next semester will be insane. i am not sure how i will manage. i am considering only taking 15 units both semester and taking 2 over the summer, maybe in long beach if mike and i are still together, or maybe just having him stay down here for the summer down in san diego. i dont know. because i need to cut back hours on working so i can concentrate on school if i am going to be taking on 18 units, but how am i supposed to pay for my car payment and rent among other things. the extra $187 car payment is a big chunk out of my life. i cant just work one job.

no matter what i am going to have to be working at least 25 hours a week if i want to keep up on my bills and not completely live off my credit cards. which i DONT want to do.

i think it might be a better idea. i dont care about the official graduation crap and maybe graduating in august will be a way of not having to go to it. cuz i am not waiting until 9 months later to do the walk. screw the whole graduation ceremony, seriously. i need to think about this still.

i just want to be able to see mike once he moves, and i want to be able to maintain my friendships, and not ruin everything good in my life, by turning into a fucking drone. because it would be 9 months of hell, and me having several breakdowns if i was taking 18 units and working 30 hours and maintaining a boyfriend and friendships. i dont want 9 months of hell. i really dont. a lot can happen in 9 months, especially with the extra stress of a long distance relationship.

with that being said, maybe i should just take 15 units. taking 2 summer school classes wouldnt be too much of hell. but what if the summer school classes wont be offered and i cant get my degree by the end of the summer? what if a job wont hire me because i dont have my official degree. what if that just puts off my real job. at least i would be surpassing the rush of gradutes trying to get jobs in may.

basically, i have a strong fear that my life will turn into this desparacidos song (from mike's point of view) (aka bright eye's side band):
"I'm growing out my hair like it was when I was single it was longer than I'd known you I had no money then I had no worries then at all but with such a high standard of living I just feel like I'm dying I'd start an argument but you can barely even talk but there is always good reason for your silence you have to take care of some business so I fix your plate and I stay out of the way and you will stay like that forever right in front of your computer you'll look up one day but you won't recognize me so now you want to change you read a letter from a lawyer want to take me out to dinner want to bury me under a mound of shopping bags like it would really make a difference or make up for your disinterest I'm a bill you pay I'm a contract you can't break and it is like I'm under water or on an endless escalator I just go up and up but I don't ever reach the top and it reads just like the bible twenty centuries of scandal, I guess it all depends on how you interpret it the word is love the word is loss the words are damaged goods that I what I am a lifetime gets chalked up to an experience coincidence we are chained to the events that sit"

update: i might only have to take 15 units both semesters anyway. if i pass that test i can take 15 both semesters, and if i dont i only have to take 18 one semester and that would be my last semester because my job at kpbs will be gone by then. i dont know what happened, but when i added up the classes i need to take, it came out a little differently. i only need 30 from comm, and will have everything else taken care of (except maybe retard english if i fail that test again). so thats 33 units at MOST left, because of the summer school im taking. that makes me feel a LOT better. i hope i did the math right. and all of this depends also on if i pass this summer school class. the midterm is on thursday and im waaay under prepared, but the rest of the class seems worse off than me. i have all the chapters read but nothing really learned. and we get a notecard for the test, so that might make it ok. plus, he never said we couldnt print stuff out and then put it on our notecard, which i might do. if he didnt say we couldnt, i take that as meaning we can. and im done for the evening. with these thoughts, im NEVER going to sleep.

mikey called, finally - 2005-06-19

bright eyes all day - 2005-06-18

fill up my night. - 2005-06-16

i like notecards. - 2005-06-15

survey lame - 2005-06-15

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