It's The Choices That We Choose

bad moods

2005-06-30 - 1:58 p.m.

ive been in an underlying bad mood the past 2 days. I was trying to figure it out. I was thinking maybe mike has been bad. but he has been great, practically. I was thinking it was maybe cuz mike's friend is here and i dont get alone time with him. but thats not the issue either. i like his friend, i like hanging out with him, i think there might be a good balance between hanging out with him and mike and mike and him hanging out alone.

i think the bad mood is that im working and going to school so much and its such great weather and everything just seems pointless.

i feel like im alone all day. being at work im "with" people, but im not really hanging out with anyone. i talk with people, but im not really talking about what i wish i was talking about.

work at the we job is fine. so are the people. its quite entertaining at times. At kpbs i like some of the company, but i dont like the job. i feel like im just wasting my time here, while i could be doing fun things.

mike is finally back and all im doing is working. he gets to go out and have fun. eat at the chinese food restaurant i wanted to go to. go to his employee party with people i like. my other friends get to do things. but im not free for anything other than after 5.

i know, whine whine whine, whatever. but at least i know in general what the bad mood is, and its not the whole mike thing.

i was thinking it might be cuz he is living with me now and maybe im not used to it, but i like it a lot. because when he goes out at night, i know he is coming back to my bed and sleeping with me. i know i get to see him in the morning.

im overly paranoid that its bothering him. and im paranoid i call him too much now that he is back. so im trying not to. but then, he is only back for a month, and id like to spend time with him.

really, i just want to go take 1 week off in august, which doesnt seem like there is too high of a chance of that happening now. i have work and school. i could go wednesday through sunday and be fine. but still.

im pretty annoyed with mike going to houston AGAIN. especially cuz bitch will be there. but he did invite me, basically. And we talked more about the rachel thing, and i still think she likes mike, but im convinced for the most part that he would never do anything with her, especially if she is with me.

im also cranky cuz i havent gotten any sleep recently. last night i fell asleep with mike from 9-11pm, but it was shitty sleep. then he left, and i went to sleep until 4am when mike and nick came back. and then finally went back to sleep only to wake up at 645am. yuck.

i ran really far yesterday. and that made me feel better. but now im sore and dont want to run today. and also mike works tonight and nick is here. do i entertain him? does he go somewhere else? do i call mike and find out?

i got some things to do today after work also. i have to buy package stuff to send off all the stuff i bought off ebay and amazon.

i bought all this dinner stuff to make them a dinner and have no idea when i can actually make it.

i have no idea if mike works tomorrow, or saturday or sunday or 4th of july. i dont think they will on 4th of july cuz mike always has mondays off. who knows. maybe they will?

and friday do i go to judo? mike wont this week. even though friday is july 1st i think. but nick is in town etc. and i think i can only go to judo for 2 weeks out of july, and the last 2 weeks only one day a week, which is pretty weak. cuz of CLASS.

i will be working more and having longer days once class starts.

my days will be from 8am-130 at web job, then 2-455 at kpbs, then class from 5-730 monday, wednesday and friday. that will suck. its like a 12 hour day. exercise will not happen during those 3 days. geez. i might get in worse moods then.

i need to change my perspective. i need to quit being in bad moods about this. its not something that is going to change. it is only going to get worse. when you get married, have kids, etc. you have less time. so i should just enjoy what i have now. even though its not as good as everyone elses. i do have better hours, in general. like i dont work nights or weekends, but in the summer, i want to not work in the day, ever. hah. but when everyone else does work nights and weekends, it sucks. and thats usually what happens.

blah.

but anyway, i need to suck it up. i need to make money. i chose this way, its a better way to life than if i wasnt doing this. so i need to be happy about that.

also, i wish mike would call me and tell me whether im entertaining nick or not. i dont want to call him. but i guess i will if i have to. but he prob wont pick up. hah.

losing is an akward feeling - 2005-07-06

wish me luck, - 2005-07-06

ulcer? - 2005-07-05

the weekend thus far - 2005-07-03

so i dont forget - 2005-06-30

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