It's The Choices That We Choose

wish me luck,

2005-07-06 - 7:30 p.m.

So its wednesday now. I skipped judo to study for my final that is TOMORROW.

im not too excited about it. actually im rather apathetic about it. I dont even care about the class being over, because it just means i start a new one, at a more inconvienant time in 5 days.

monday through wednesday starting july 13th, my days will be like this:
8am-130 @ web job. kpbs @ 2-455. Class from 5-730.

I dont think i want to start up judo for july cuz i wont have any time to go. monday and wednesday i cant go, unless this class is going to be chill like this past one. i doubt it though. most summer school classes are pretty hardcore about attendance. and with this one, according to ratemyprofessor.com, the teacher is hard. im not too excited. blah. and once this class ends i start regular fall semester 7 days later. awesome.

at least it will be my last 2 semesters ever. im really not into the whole getting my masters deal right now, i doubt i will be ever. i like learning, but i dont like paying to learn. especially to learn things that have nothing to do with the job i hope to get, except it looks better on the resume. im very pro technical school at the point after a regular BA.

so anyway. mike and i got into a little thing last night. i got into a bad mood when i got home. i was really overwhelmed with everything, my stomach was hurting and i was really insecure about mike stuff.

we ended up going to blockbuster to check out movies and then went to in-n-out. at in-n-out is where we got into the tift. something happened where i said how he is leaving me in a month, blah blah blah.

he got mad cuz i guess i bring this up all the time in a joking manner and then actually get depressed about it. which is true. i told him im sad about it because everytime it is brought up he just throws jokes about it. i dont want jokes, i want real talk about it.

so i said he needs to tell me everything seriously, about how it is going to be. he did. although he threw in a few jokes and i had to tell him to stop. this really makes me feel like he is joking about staying together.

in the convo about how he says he will miss me, and he does plan on staying together etc, he says i dont think we will really be seeing each other every other weekend religiously though. like that is something really weird of me to expect. to see each other once every 2 weeks. what the fuck? i was in a long distance relationship where we saw each other once a week. which was a lot for that, but come on. how often do you think we should actually see each other. 2 weeks is a long time. you were gone for 3 weeks and i felt like i didnt know you all the way anymore.

im really not happy with this situation, if it wont be once every 2 weeks. i could see a few weeks slacking, but come on. if you start out pessimistic about it, as he would say realistic probably, doesnt it just get worse? i dont know.

i would be really upset if this tore us apart. i think im going to be pretty upset by all of this. it will be good in a lot of ways, but in a lot of ways it will suck.

and will we talk everyday? it doesnt have to be everyday, but every other day is a must. i can see this all going downhill, at this rate. it turns into everyday, than forced everyday, then a fight, then every other day, then me pretending i dont care and it turns into every 3 days, and then he ends up not caring at all and it turns into never.

i should stop thinking about it, but its definitely on my mind. i dont know how to shut it off. im not supposed to bring it up anymore. but how is that going to happen. it wont. im not going to play some stupid dumb shit rule. why cant he just be honest about the whole thing without telling jokes. oh yeah, cuz this is all a joke. gah. i need to shut up.

i needed to exercise today but it didnt happen.

so to get a C in this class, which at this point is all im aiming for, i have to get 60 percent. thats easy, right? it should be. i am the queen at bsing and i made a damn good notecard.

i think i should study for another 30 mins or more. and then im going to say fuck it.

maybe i will exercise.

i wonder when mike will get back from work. he started at 345.

im just really annoyed and frusterated with this whole situation. the living together thing in a way, when i have hardly any friends, and same with him. and the whole him moving away. and the whole me ruining the good time we have together right now, with him still here.

but why let myself have such a good time if we are going to end when he moves? im super paranoid.

it will end if i keep acting stupid like this. maybe im just actng stupid about it because i am unsure too. i dont know. whatever. grrr.

and the cure is ruined for me. one time i was really depressed, and had a really bad night, and was listening to the cure. now everytime i hear it, like i just did now, it reminds me of that depressing time.

and i am going to go now. wish me luck.

woo hoo new house. - 2005-07-11

im an asshole. - 2005-07-09

turning into a better day - 2005-07-08

the final is over bitches - 2005-07-07

losing is an akward feeling - 2005-07-06

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