It's The Choices That We Choose

its been awhile

2005-08-03 - 8:29 a.m.

i think i am going to go insane if i dont write.
things have been pretty crazy with the moving situation. Also i have had two fights with mike, that i am pretty on the edge about.
the friday one, was weird. i didnt get it then, i dont get it now. but its over, and thats all i want to talk about it. The one last night, started from me trying to say i was frusterated because i work all day while everyone else can do things like sleep in, errands, and fun things. And then by the time im done with work and class, everyone is either gone, already has plans and left without me, or wanted to. and somehow it turned into how he is a burden to me (as he felt), and how i give him guilt trips, and how we see each other too much etc. but last night he was like geez, let me hang out with my friends, blah blah blah. and im like after 2 days you can do whatever you want cuz you wont be here. and he was trying to talk of change. I didnt understand that, because he is moving in 2 days, and we really dont need to change our san diego ways at this point. and i said that, he agreed, i think.
the fights have been stupid and have generated mostly because i have been hyper sensitive. maybe because he is leaving, maybe because i am crazy, maybe because this birth control is now making my crazy. last friday i really felt like my chemicals were really imbalanced, i cried twice, i got angry at things that would normally just slightly annoy me, etc. but i think mike picks up on me being annoyed already and tries harder to it more. i dont know. maybe i make that up in my head.
i really just want to get a full night of sleep. i want to do laundry, go to bed bath and beyond and put shit together in my room. i guess it will be perfect to do that today, because i guess mike is going to go hang out with his friends. blah.
we do see each other too much. but it sucks it gets to that point of fights right before he leaves. im scared he is going to back out of this relationship really soon. im really scared about that. maybe i shouldnt be? i think by allowing myself to be scared about it, it is making me crazy, and ruining the relationship. so i have to stop.
so tomorrow i only work at my web job, and have no kpbs until monday. im getting my hair done tomorrow. friday will be hell. we are getting the truck at 8am, then prob going to be out of san diego by 10. then, we will go to long beach, unpack, hang out there for awhile, and then head back around 8. then we will go to sleep and head to long beach AGAIN on saturday for mike's orientation. i think we are going to stay there until sunday evening. then its back to san diego. and mike leaves for houston on tuesday (morning?). Then i go to Houston on Thursday. I need to start asking for a ride to the airport, although i still have no idea when i am leaving.
i think houston will be a nice refresher. it will be my only vacation this year, and it should be nice. im pretty excited about it, and hope it will all work out.
alright, im going to go. i think im going crazy without writing in here. it makes me worse than normal, not rationalizing with myself.
i cant wait until i can stop focusing every 10 seconds on mike, and become a normal person. i think that will happen when he moves to LB. i think, i will only think about him a few times a day, and will not have to plan my schedule around him at all. which will be very nice. although i will miss him, and how im used to being arond him all the time, while he is in san diego.
i imagine this may start some fights, but it may also prevent a lot of fights too.
ok, bye.

stalker - 2005-09-22

high stress - 2005-08-16

vacation starts today! - 2005-08-11

outta here - 2005-08-10

update of a kind - 2005-08-09

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